Being Too Kind As A leader Is Not That Nice….
So many leaders we work with lead with an empathic behavioural style, and put the team first, often ending up exhausted, lacking in confidence and failing to deliver with pace and impact. But this cannot be because they are empathic surely? What could possibly be wrong with being empathic? There are many reports that clearly state this is one of the key skills required of leaders now and in the future. To empathise and understand your people, know how to get the best out of them, and how to motivate them, support them and empower them to bring their whole selves to work. How can this be a bad thing?
Ok, so it’s not bad, but it’s also not all you need. Empathy has a down side to it, and it shows up much more subtly than other unhelpful behaviours.
Being a naturally empathic leader could mean under pressure you might:
- Struggle to give direct, constructive feedback
- Overprotect your team from too much work
- Find it challenging to manage difficult behaviours in others
- Create a very friendly environment, with lots of unsaid undercurrent
- Become overly helpful, doing others work for them
- Be totally overloaded looking after others, putting your needs last
The first thing to note, is all this comes from a good place. A place where you care deeply about someone, seek harmonious teams, and want everyone to be safe in a kind and friendly environment, and that is great for a team. But too much of anything can be bad for you, and others.
People who are led by overly empathic leaders, often don’t know what they are doing wrong and how they can improve, as feedback is not clear and direct. They don’t see problems in the team being addressed head on. They may actually feel disempowered as their work flow is managed and devoid of anything ‘too challenging’.
Eventually they may start to believe they are not good enough, but they have no idea why. Let me explain through a real example…
One leader we know would get a phone call most evenings from someone on their team. They would offload about all the things that went wrong that day, all the problems they foresaw for the next day, and anything else they needed to get off their chest. Sometimes even crying with frustration. Their boss, being naturally empathic, would really struggle with these calls. Desperate to make things better for the individual, they would suggest solutions, offer to speak with people or take on some of the tasks themselves.
This went on for weeks, until one day this individual shouted back “Stop rescuing me!” The boss was utterly baffled and couldn’t see where this response had come from. The individual explained “Whenever I call you, you always jump in like you’re better than me and solve all the things I have challenges with and I need you to stop, I can do this myself”. The boss confused, replied “So why are you calling me? I thought you were asking for help.” To which they replied “No I was merely venting and getting things off my chest”. Sound familiar?
Let us introduce Karpman’s Drama Triangle karpmandramatriangle.com.
Based on the studies of transactional analysis, Stephen Karpman, states that during any emotional situation there are three characters at play; Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer.
We won’t go into too much detail, but basically our overly empathic leaders tend to start in the ‘rescuer’ place. But that can quickly jump to ‘persecutor’, when their patience has worn thin, or even ‘victim’ as they expect everyone to know they are always having to step in and ‘save the day’. It can end up being quite self-serving – not intentionally, but that is how it is received by others.
Another great coach 📚 Michael Bungay Stanier in his book The Advice Trap, talks about taming your advice monster. He says you have three monsters at play; Tell It, Save It, and Control It. (explained below). Again our empathic leaders tend to fall into the ‘Save It’ trap, over and over again.
https://www.mbs.works/advice-trap-book/
But wait, how do you stop rescuing as a leader, when people keep coming to you?
Firstly, think to yourself am I being helpful or useful to this person. Helpful would be taking someone’s really heavy suitcase off them and carrying it yourself. Useful would be showing them where they can get a luggage trolley from. Don’t take someone else’s baggage.
Secondly, next time you feel yourself jumping in to rescue someone, ask yourself “What am I assuming about this person?”, then “Is that fact?”
Thirdly, when someone comes to you, ask them what they want to do and how can they do it.
Finally, remember that you stepping in and helping someone (without being asked) is basically saying “I am better than you, quicker, more accurate, more intelligent….etc”
We know this is hard, it will take time for you to let go. It will be a while before your team trust your intentions, but stick with it and you will reap the rewards in the long run. If you need support in your transition, getting a leadership coach can be hugely beneficial, offering the space to explore your thinking, practice your approach, vent out all the frustrations, cry and maybe even save yourself from being the Empathy Monster!
